WhiteWitch

How sensitive am I?

2011-03-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

I remember several years ago, when I was really searching, I went to a spiritual expo in my city. I would spend hours there just looking around to see if I found anything that called to me. I especially loved anything to do with angels.

At the end of the day I would get readings from various psychics. They were mostly saying the same thing, which was that I was not doing what I was suppose to be doing, and that it was making me unhappy. I cried a lot. One man said that in a past life I had been killed for my beliefs, and that the fear was still with me to this day. I have no idea if what he said is true. He said there was no need to be afraid anymore.

One woman in particular stayed in my memory. She did palm readings. She spent a great deal of time with me explaining what she saw. One thing she said that I was very sensitive, and that I had to be careful about what I ate and so on. She was right. My body is very sensitive, and I think I'm just a sensitive person over all. This woman surprised me by spending a lot more time with me than I had paid for.

It can be hard to know if I'm really that sensitive, because I have no idea what other people are feeling. I just know that I can feel energies. If a place has a heavy enough energy I can even feel sick. Strangely even some websites and books can have that effect on me.

I've decided to focus on positive energies; like the ones that can be found in nature, beautiful music, art and nourishing food. I'm hoping that if I can raise my level of happiness during the day, then my dreams will become more beautiful as well. Dreams reflect what we feel and think during the day.

Where are they now?

2010-12-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm working on being focused on the spiritual this Christmas.

I miss home. I miss Norway. Most of all I miss my mom, dad and sister, who all passed away. I miss the beautiful home I grew up in and celebrating Christmas with the family I loved.

Christmas was my favorite day in the whole year. I even cried when it was over!

Now most of my family is gone and my childhood home looks pretty wrecked because it has not been taken properly care of for many years. Luckily my oldest brother bought it and is slowly restoring it.

My two brothers are the only two left of my close family. But they are much older than I am. I love them. But they were not there most of the time when I grew up. They had already moved out. I miss my mom, dad and sister that was always there.

They passed away. I wonder where they are now.

Anyway. I spent Christmas in Norway last year, and it just wasn't the same.

I realize that I need to feel Christmas in my heart most of all. So I spend a lot of time connecting with the divine. I pray and ask for help.

There is something special about these days of December. There is something gentle and beautiful in the air. I want to tap into that. I would like to have mystical experiences.

I know that when I can be with the divine I can feel happy for no reason at all. Even when things are hard I can feel comforted.

It feels good to write. I've been such a mess inside lately. Writing puts and order of sorts to my feelings.

Today I will make my first attempt on making beeswax candles. Beeswax smells divine!

I will also hang up some new pictures to inspire me.

Blissful Walk

2010-11-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I go for walks and I look at things without really sensing much. I am trapped in my thoughts and feelings.

And then there are times like today when I walk and keep on walking because it is just so beautiful. The trees, the wind, the grass, the sun and clouds. The air is fresh and cold and I feel moved to the point of crying.

I wish the neighborhood I'm walking in would turn into a forest. A deep gorgeous forest full of trees that I could talk to. I would walk barefoot if it wasn't too cold, and I would dance and feel things in my heart that my mind just don't understand. I would communicated with the sky and the wind and the birds.

Today I looked at the flowers in people's gardens and drank in their beauty. I think beauty and magic is food for my essence.

Tired

2010-11-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

I wanted to start writing again to get my feelings out on paper so to speak. I have a lot to do tosome day, so I'll keep it short.

I've had a few very painful and difficult days. I'm learning a lot about myself. It feels like as I'm going through these things I go deeper into myself to see what is really going on within me. I've been observing my emotions, and how I feel left out and angry. I feel so tiny and useless and just upset with myself and life.

If only I could be free of my fear and guilt I could do so many things that I'm just too terrified to get into right now.

I just feel very tired right now. And yet I feel in touch with myself.

2010-08-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

My astral experience

2010-08-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a somewhat hard day for me but also good because I learned a lot. I went to the gym and I loved it, even though I couldn't keep up with all the steps.

I think I got a little reward last night because I had an astral projection. I was back in Norway, in the tiny town I grew up in. I was flying above a lawn in front of my childhood home. Everything was so beautiful! I looked down and I could clearly see that the grass was wet. It was a short experience. I quickly returned to my body.

In the morning though, out of curiosity I decided to check what the weather was like in that same town. And
I got a little excited when the weather forecast showed rain. Of course it often rains in Norway, even in summer, and so it doesn't really prove that I was actually there in the astral.

I know my astral experiences are real, but it would be fun to actually prove it by knowing something I couldn't have possible known. I have heard lot of people share experiences like that.

My husband is one of them. He saw a very old toy in the garden where he lived. He thought he had lost that toy ages ago and thought it was strange that it was there. When he woke up he found the toy in the exact spot he had seen it in the astral.

I hope to have more out of body experiences tonight. They might me feel so magical.

I moved to Los Angeles

2010-08-19T16:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start writing again. Maybe it will help me work through some of the feelings I'm dealing with.

A lot of things have changed since last I wrote anything in this blog. I have moved from The Bay Area to Los Angeles. It was a strange thing because I felt inside me that it was time to leave even before I knew we had the option of moving. It seems life is taking me where I can learn the most.

Here in L.A. I sense that I need to start living again. By that I mean I need to overcome many of the fears I have, and find my own voice. Find my own place in life. I have no friends my own age here. And I often feel very tiny and weak around my friends who are very strong, and active women.

I basically feel lame and ashamed of myself. In the beginning it made me angry, but I think this might exactly be what I need. I have to look at that feeling of hurt beneath it all. I want to understand it and be free of it. I want to live without all this guilt and fear trapping me.

Today I'm going to the gym with a friend. I haven't been to the gym since I lived in Norway. I feel nervous about going tonight. I always fear the unknown. And in truth I find Los Angeles to be very big and rushed. Sometimes I feel very upset about how things are here. Sometimes I really enjoy living here...

Sometimes I miss Norway. But something inside me knows it's not time for me to go back yet. It's not right. It's not where I need to be to learn about myself. My life has taken up a different meaning since I started learning about gnosis, since I started observing what is actually happening inside of me.

Life is about learning about myself and to how to live life wisely.

Morning

2010-01-17T08:54:00.000-08:00

I got up early today. But then I also went to bed at 8pm yesterday. I was feeling tired and slightly sick. It hadn't been a very good day for me as I was feeling worried and tense. I think my worries drain me a lot.

This morning I went for a walk a little after 7am. And since it's a Sunday everyone is a sleep and everything is quiet. I felt at rest as I walked among the raindrops, flowers, trees, birds, cats and squirrels. I love looking at the world when it's not so rushed. I want to continue perceiving the magic of the morning. I hope I can get up early tomorrow as well.

Back to USA

2010-01-08T08:48:00.001-08:00

I'm back in the US. I feel slightly depressed and angry about it. I felt so much freer being away from my life and everything in it. Coming back I realize how squeezed I truly feel here. I'm realizing that a lot of my anger has to do with guilt. I always feel guilty for things I have and haven't done. And feeling like that I hand over my life to other people. I just want to be a good girl, and I'm scared what will happen if I stop being a "good girl".

I was also getting used to the quietness of Norway. It was so nice to feel less rushed. It was also wonderful to feel that I wasn't that different from the people around me. In America I always feel different in the way I am.

And at the core of it all I feel terribly alone. When in Norway I felt sad that I couldn't spend Christmas with my mom, dad and sister. I couldn't spend Christmas in the house I grew up. I felt and I still feel that I don't truly belong anywhere. I don't know who to turn to with all my worries.

Christmas cozyness

2009-11-24T22:06:00.000-08:00

I took my christmas tree out of the closet this evening and brought it to the center. A good friend and I decorated it beautifully. It felt like the tree shone and brightened up the whole place. It's a bit early I suppose for Christmas decorations, but it felt nice to decorate the tree. The tree is my favorite part of christmas. And decorating brought this niceness to life. I can't fully describe it. It's this cozy comforting thing that I love to be in. Christmas is the time to nurture that sanctuary within me. Sanctuary of the heart, when I feed myself with lovely, beautiful things. I really feel I need a lot of that. It's as though my heart is hungry for love and comfort.

I'm going away this Christmas. Going to New Jersey and then to Norway. I'm starting to look forward to it. It will be an adventure. I hope I will feel that way when I'm actually there. Being away from home for that long tends to stress me out. I don't feel fully at rest in someone elses house.

Tonight

2009-11-20T00:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight we talked about how to better deal with mistakes. This really struck a cord with me. I'm terrified of making mistakes because I know I'll feel guilty and beat myself up for doing it. I'm going to look into how I react to making mistakes, and see if I can turn it around. I would love to be able to fully and deeply understand that making mistakes is part of life, part of being human and that it is needed for learning. It was said that a wealth of information can be found within a mistake if only we look for it.

We also talked about compassion and putting ourselves in another persons place. I notice I can do that intuitively if only I remember it. Most of the time I'm more in a defensive and judging mode when around people.

I hope I can find some peace from my anxiety. Sometimes, especially mornings it can be very bad. I hope I can manage to tackle the root of it. I think it must be something from the heavy depression I suffered a few years ago. It's a feeling of not being safe, of things not being ok and never will.

Thoughts. Emotions. And a lot of them

2009-11-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know who I am. I feel tired and empty. I don't want to feel this way because I keep thinking I should be over everything that has happened, that I should be fine and that I shouldn't complain. I know I have everything. I don't want to bother people with how I feel. Most of the time I don't even know how I feel. I just know there's a deep emptieness that I don't know how to talk about. My friends talk to me about what is going on with them, and I'm so grateful for that, I'm so grateful that I'm able to listen and help because it help me so much in return. It makes me feel like I matter again. But I'm not able to talk about what's going on deep inside me. It feels too bad. Perhaps I'm too proud. Too afraid.

I just don't know who I am. Where I stand. I lost my family, my identity with them. I lost the home where I grew up, though I keep finding myself back there in my dreams. I moved from the country I grew up in to start a new life in the US. It's wonderful here. I have my best friend as my husband, and so many amazing people and teachers around me. It's just that I don't feel like I'm resting. I always feel uptight, nervous and stressed. I don't know where to go to rest. I watch silly movies and series on youtube to zone out or something, but it doesn't help and I'm not really interested in it.

I don't know what I want. I feel so naked and bare. I just go through my day doing things, doing my tasks, trying to be in the moment and so on. And yet I feel like a zombie. I'm just doing things without any passion behind it. I wish I knew how to rest.

I think I am angry. At some level I'm very angry. I think it's because I feel there's something wrong with me. I think I've been feeling that for a long long time. I feel like a bad person and that I'm always failing.

I just feel tired. So tired somehow. It's like I have no real interesting in things. All I want is to find some way to rest and find comfort and understanding. That's what I need I think. It's just so hard to allow myself to seek that. I keep feeling I need to be strong and fight. Fighting does no good sometimes. I think I need to heal, though it's taking forever. I suppose I've never really allowed the process to take place. Guilt is always in the way. I feel guilty for looking within to see what I need.

So what do I need?

Time? I feel I need time to recover, time to find back to myself and joy of life. Right now I'm feeling very negative towards the world and the divine. I don't want that. I often feel that I'm being pushed to do things I don't want to do. I'm always fighting it. But maybe I'm the one doing the pushing. I remember now, different feelings that come up that push me to do things I don't really want, and dreams, symbols that are telling me beautiful things. Beautiful in the sense that it touches the core of me. My heart. I just haven't been listening. I've been feeling that I am evil and that whoever is giving me these teachings don't really care about me, and that they want something of me. I don't want anyone to want anything of me. I don't want to have to perform and do well and be a good girl when I don't really want to, and I don't really think I can do it anyway.

Long post, but it helped me a lot. How do I make an entry private?

Who do I want to be?

2009-10-29T11:54:00.001-07:00

I just went for a walk even though I didn't have the time to do so. I made time. I needed to go out in nature, in the sun and be among trees and flowers. It's as though my soul feels weary from all the noise of the city, and all the mechanical sounds and items that make up our lives. Even as I was walking I could hear cars and noise. When I finally got to a particularly quiet street it was as though my entire being sighed with relief. I looked around me and took in all the beauty of fall.

I picked some dandelion leaves that I will chop up and strew onto the soup I will have today. I wonder how that will work. When I got home I made myself some mugwort tea that I'm drinking now. I love mugwort. It feels like such a magical and wise herb, full of silver dreams.

I've been thinking about what kind of person I'd like to be. If I know who I want to be then I can remember that and work towards it with the practices I've learned through gnosis..

I'd like to be at peace, without all the worries about the future that is constantly bothering me. I'd like to be free, and gentle and good, and not worry about what people think of me. I'd like to feel beauty and magical all around me, and take time to nurture these things and myself.

I'll start with that. Today I want to rid myself of the worries that plague me and find some peace.

Thank you, Divine Mother.

2009-10-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

I feel you. Closer. Cool. Glittering. Like a beautiful winter's night, with a velvet sky and pristine white snow. An angel. Holding me. Comforting me. Giving me strength and courage to face the world. Beautiful and magical. Loving. I'd be nothing without you. Your mercy makes me want to do good.

To pray

2009-10-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

I want everything I do, every movement and deed to be a prayer, a way to be with the divine.

Thoughts

2009-10-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write more, about me, about what I'm going through. Somehow it's very hard to actually put things into words. I think I still feel very confused. There's just so much going on inside me, and at the same time I feel empty. Several times I've been wanting to open up to people, to friends that share things with me. But I'm never able to go all the way. There are some things that are so painful for me. Things from the past, as well yearnings and fears of the present.

I want to express myself. I wish I was able to be me with all my heart. In social situations I usually feel faint, timid and blank with no knowledge of who I am. I want to get to know me. I want to find my identity. I want to follow my heart. I suppose losing my family has made me feel lost. Stranded.

I want to feel safe to follow my heart. I want to wear flowing skirts and create magic all around me.

Yay! Autumn!

2009-09-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

It feels like autumn finally has come. This is my favorite season. I love the crisp cool mornings and the golden sunlight. I'm making some herbal chai right now to warm myself up.

Ave Maria

2009-09-26T05:41:00.000-07:00

A cry out to the divine mother. Some music hit me on a much deeper level than my mind can comprehend. I close my eyes and listen, and I'm filled with that yearning to be close to her. Perhaps it's time for me to return to bed and explore the magical realm of dreams. It is 5:44 AM...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQAUuTLwm5Q

Resting

2009-08-24T20:31:00.001-07:00

I stayed home tonight. My husband went out, but I was feeling tired and secretly longed to just rest and reflect. I wish I could do what I deeply feel I need without guilt coming up.

I lied on the bed and read some of Anne of Green Gables. I know it's a classic, and a children book, but I've never read it before and it gives me much joy now. I just feel so tired somehow, and slightly sick. I think I'm tired of worrying about everything. At least, when I'm alone in the evenings I feel her presence and guidance with a lot more strength. I can feel her in my heart. It's the only place I want to be. I just want to stay with her and cry.

I want my life back. I don't want to be controlled by my fears anymore. I'm fighting to be free. Last night I told myself I would remember my dreams, and I did, at least most of them. I had a nightmare of sorts, I think the same kind that I used to have as a small girl, but this time I fought it, whatever it was that was attacking me. And I also had a very symbolic dream, but I only remember parts of it.

This afternoon I astral projected while I took a nap. It's been so long since I've had an astal experience. I feel sometimes that I've given up on them., though I'm not sure why. Perhaps I feel nothing will come out of them, or perhaps I'm subconsciously afraid of the same thing that comes in my nightmares might appear there. I think I often shoot myself in the foot. I feel I have failed even before I have properly tried something. Anyway, I projected, flew around in the apartment and woke back up. It wasn't a very good projection, but at least I got out. I always feel more magical after that :)

Anxious

2009-08-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't managed to update my blog as frequent as I wanted to. I'm not exactly sure why I find it so hard to express myself. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I've been feeling like that for a week now. Well, it actually started several years ago when I realized I had a huge knot in my stomach and that my chest felt very tight. It was all pent up emotions. I've been digging into them ever since I started on the quest of self knowledge, but it can be very painful.

I've been wanting to bring more magic into my life. I hope I can get up early to enjoy the mystical feel of the morning, but lately I've just been wanting to stay in bed.

In truth I feel terribly alone. I'm having such trouble expressing myself and talking to people. I sometimes feel like a ghost. I worry. I worry that I'll be rejected, and so I get afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Going to bed soon. Getting tired. I hope I can see whats at the core of my anxiety.

Evening ramblings

2009-06-16T20:34:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning with an internal lightness that surprised me. It made me feel so happy. It was as though a burden had been lifted from me and I didn't notice until that moment in the early morning, around 5am. I said good bye to my husband who was going to work. I felt calm, nice, serene instead of anxious and grumpy.

Right now I feel tired, and slightly jittery from an over consumption of brownies. I got my period this morning. I actually look forward to my period, especially the two first day when I feel particularly magical. I didn't go to the gnostic center I usually attend on Tuesday evening because I felt I needed to stay inside and nurture myself. I'm so lucky to be able to take it easy when I need to. I'm starting to allow myself to do it more as well. Though I still carry a feeling of always needing to be a good girl and do things. It's hard to lie down and do nothing.

I hope I can stop eating so much processed sugar. My head hurts. Instead I want to eat rose honey. Lots and lots of rose honey to open my heart to sweet pink love.

I've been working with both wild rose and mugwort. They are my closest plant allies right now. It feels like rose teaches me about self love and open volnurability. While mugwort teaches me about sensing, being intuitive and tapping into the magic that is already part of me. It's a silver, glittery, magical moon-herb.

Listening and Wild Rose

2009-06-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm working on listening, on fine tuning my senses. Today I got up early to do various little tasks. I love being up early because everything feels so much more silent, and poetic. It also feels like I have a lot more time in a day when I start it early. Most of the time though I'm unable to leave the comfort of my bed before 9 or 10 am.

I've made yogurt and bread. It feels very nurishing and comforting to make my own food. I'm also hoping to spend some time with wild rose tomorrow. I visited her last Wednesday. I found her growing closish to a friends house, and close to the train station. I made rose petal honey, and I spent time listening to her. It feels that if I'm able to leave the chaos of my mind and emotions and listen on a much deeper lever, with my heart, then I can hear her speak to me. I can't even put into words what she said, but it was very profound to me. The heart knows and understand things that is far beyond the mind and words.

I want to update this blog more often, but I find it difficult to sit down and write something without feeling disappointed in what I'm writing. I suppose I want it to sounds better than it does, or I feel something deeply but when I put it into words it loses some of its beauty and value.

Oh well. Perhaps I'm just still sleepy. I think I might take a nap..

Opening Up

2009-05-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

I went for a long walk today to pick California Poppy. It's a really beautiful plant. It's growing all over, and I'm wondering if it's trying to tell me something. It looks like fire to me. Maybe I need some fire in my life. I think I need fire in my heart. I feel cold inside. I've dried some California Poppy to try as tea, and I've read how bad it tastes but the tea I made was a little weak and I ended up not minding the taste at all.

Yesterday I drank my first cup of California Poppy tea, and I'm drinking my second cup right now. It feels like it opens up my heart a little. I don't know. I need to spend more time with it before I know for sure how it effects me. It also seems to ease my anxiety. I've been feeling terrible anxious lately. Yesterday and today has been very trying for me. I notice more and more how alone and unsafe I feel, and how angry I feel at life. The anger surprised me. I think I've been bottling it up deep inside me, and I've closed myself to life and the hurts it brings. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere right now. I need to change my attitude of life being out to get me. I think I don't trust it at all, perhaps because of what I went through when my parents and sister died.

Anyway, I sense that California Poppy can help me. I think it can help me open up and allow myself to feel things again.

Healing waters

2009-05-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

I just took the longest, most lovely bath I've had in ages. I've been sick with the flu for a few days, but this evening I was feeling much better and decided to celebrate with a bath. I put some oats and rose petals in a cheesecloth and rubbed myself all over until I felt beautifully slimy. My skin is so soft right now.

I came out of that bath a different person. Lying in the tub I had quite a few realizations as water worked its healing effect on me and helped me relax and sink deeper into myself. I saw myself as a young child, and I remember how scared I was of being left alone, and of my parents abandoning me. I think that at some level I knew I would lose them, or at least, I knew that something horrible was going to happen. But I recognize the same fear in me still. I'm still afraid of being alone, of there being no one there that will make everything Ok. I'm so afraid that everything won't be Ok...

I'm once more reminded that I have to take care of myself and heal myself . It's not such a bad thing to be good to myself. I don't have to be strong. I don't have to be tough.

Knots

2009-05-04T01:18:00.000-07:00

I think I have to accept that I feel depressed. It's not an overpowering depression that I felt some time after my dad passed away; it's more of a dark feeling that sits in my stomach throughout the day. I'm not sure why it's there, or where it came from. I'm trying to see it for what it is, to see what I'm afraid of, and what worries feed that fear. I'm afraid of so many things. I'm especially afraid of the unknown, and I fear I won't be able to do things. I've decided to finally try to learn to drive, which terrifies me. But if I could drive, I'd be so much freer. It's just that I feel sick thinking about doing it, and especially getting on the freeway, which is an unusual and scary thing for me coming from Norway, where we don't have many of those.

Anyway, I think my depression has a lot to do with my worries and fears.

The knot in my stomach used to be a lot bigger though. I started noticing it back in highschool. I remember my chest feeling very heavy, as though I couldn't breathe properly, even though I could breathe just fine. As I became more interested in spirituality, and also tuned more into my body, I could see this heavyness clearer, and how big it was. It was a huge knot of something bad, some deep negative emotions covering my solar plexus and heart area. I've been working on these emotions for a few years, and they're slowly clearing as I dig deeper. It's like I'm digging my way back into my body. It's like I left it for a while. Does that make sense? I think losing my family was such a shock that I just left my body. Hmm. When I decided to return I found all this unresolved anger, sorrow etc, all bottled up inside me.

I hope to keep writing here to get some order and better understanding of my thoughts and feelings.

Painting day

2009-04-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have paint in my hair...

I gathered up the courage today to go to the centre to help paint the outside wall. I was feeling a little anxious because I knew it would be just be me and "the boys" there for several hours. I honestly don't know how to relax and be myself unless I'm with people I know I can share deep meaningful conversations with. Isn't that weird? I'm so bad at smalltalks, but I love talking about the deep cries out of the soul...
So of course, I felt shy today and didn't talk much, and I tried to not let it bother me. I've been wanting to see what hurts inside me when I feel left out somehow. I want to find peace wherever I am, and not worry about what other people thinks. Besides, I enjoy being at the centre, the energy there is lovely, and painting the wall was a very quiet and relaxed task. I liked it because it's so simple. I don't like tasks that I don't know how to do. That's right, I rarely like a challange, especially when there's other people there to watch me trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I got my period this morning. I think this made me feel more grumpy than normal. I felt cold, and heavy while painting, and then the horrible, horrible cramps came! I ignored them for a while, until they became unbearable and I had to call my husband to come pick me up. I felt disappointed. I had wanted to stay and help out more. I wanted to investigate my pride while I was stuck with all those boys, and I wanted to continue my painting because it's nice and I know how to do it. Maybe tomorrow there will be no painting left? But I'll go tomorrow as well. Go me! I'm so coragous!

The cramps are gone now. I stayed in bed and moaned my misery for a few hours. And I feel so light! It's such a relief not to be in pain. I notice that I feel a little bad for not being there to help out, again. It's my famous guilt coming up again. I really want to understand it and be free of it.

Now I'll enjoy some sweet, sweet strawberries.

The moment

2009-04-21T15:27:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling very anxious lately, more so than normal. I think it started when I returned from Greece, when everything calmed down and I have time to think, to worry. I've been trying to understand why I feel so unsafe. I think I feel that I don't own my life. I feel that something bad is going to happen, and I have to try my best to be a good girl so it doesn't happen. I don't trust that everything will be ok, even though, deep down I feel looked after in everything.

I actually had a lovely time on Sunday. I went to the gnostic centre that I attend regularely, and it was nice talking with everyone again. In the beginning I felt very down. I wanted to run into the bathroom and cry. It has been long since I've felt that, and it puzzled me. This time I actually reached out to someone, and shared how I felt. That spark of courage helped me a lot. The rest of the day I spent painting a wall at the centre, and also eating out with friends. I worked on feeling the moment, to be in my body, forget about myself and just be. Someone once told me that all we have is this moment. That's true. There's nothing bad in this moment, right here, right now. The moment is wonderfully liberating. All my problem are in the past or in the future. Right now everything just is. If I can stay in the moment I can experience life.

Greece

2009-04-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

My husband and I recently returned from a trip to Greece. It was a good trip, though it was also very challenging for me. We we're going on a retreat for a few days, and I again found it hard to fit in among people. I freeze up and don't know what to say. I'm terrible at smalltalk. I felt very insecure and alone for a lot of the time, even though people were very kind, very friendly.

The most interesting and challenging part of the retreat was an 8 hour walk on Mount Olympus. I actually really enjoyed the trip. I felt I had a lot of strength inside me that I wanted to express by climbing up and down the mountain. I got very tired but I kept going. I went deep inside of myself and found a strength that never went away, no matter how exhausted I felt. When I focused on this strength I could keep on walking. I also worked on being in the moment. It was an amazing place to just be. It was so beautiful! I could feel the power of the snow covered mountains vibrating in the air around me. The view was spectacular. I also enjoyed touching many of the trees we walked by, and feel their strength against the palm of my hand. Can anyone else sense this? Sense the essence of the tree when you touch them? I'm not sure if it makes sense. But it sometimes feels as though they're silently speaking to me..

I felt like a warrior climbing up that mountain. I felt strong! I realized how sad it made me that I usually feel weak in every day life. Full of insecurity and guilt.

On our way home, I was surprised to see that I wasn't looking forward to returning to California. I mean, I don't think California itself was the problem, it's a beautiful place to live. -I just felt depressed. I realised that I feel confused about who I am, and that I no longer truly feel home anywhere. I've lost my roots. In a way it felt good to find that within myself. Now maybe I can understand it and let it go.

Lilacs

2009-04-04T21:56:00.001-07:00

I went to the farmer's market today. I had decided beforehand not to buy flowers this time, because my husband and I are leaving for Greece on Tuesday. However, I couldn't resist buying a bouquet of lilacs. I think lilacs must be one of my favorite flowers. I absolutely adore the scent. Standing in the farmer's market, I breathed in their scent for the first time in two years, and I was instantly carried back to warm summer days back at my childhood home. We had a small lilac bush there, and I remember I loved it even as a child. I feel very connected to lilacs. They remind me of home, and I think also of my mom....though I'm not sure why that is.

I also listened to the Belzebuub talk today. He spoke about being in the moment. He said it was beautiful to be there, and that we are outside time when we're in the moment. In the moment is when we are alive.

I feel that is true. When I manage to be aware and in the moment, it's like something stirs inside of me, something ancient, a distant memory of something else, something very important. I like to listen to beautiful music. Music that touches my soul. I'm listening to Allegri Miserere right now, and it's as though the song reminds my soul of some distant place it longs to return to. I feel like crying sometimes, but it's a different kind of crying, because it comes from a yearning for something so strange and beautiful that I don't even understand it. I don't even trust that it truly exists.

I remember standing in the middle of the living room floor when I was little. I remember feeling confused. It just felt so strange to be there. I wondered how I had ended up on earth, in this life, and where I had been before I started living. It felt like I should be able to remember, but I just couldn't.

Dreams

2009-04-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel so sad, and I don't even know why. I've been having dreams, the same kind again and again. And in that dream I feel so alone, and so left out. I don't belong, but I'm unsure if I should stay or not. Last night I also started flying in my dream. It's the most wonderful feeling to be able to fly! Everything is much more beautiful in the astral (dreamworld). The beauty hits me and moves me deeply.

Tired

2009-02-27T11:05:00.001-08:00

I don't know what to do. I planned to rest this weekend, well, at least rest on Saturday, but again someone is asking for help with something. I feel I should help out, but at the same time I feel I need to stay home, take it easy and catch up on my life before I go crazy. Yesterday I felt so exhausted I just wanted to cry. I think exhaustion happens when I start to worry, and I feel overwhelmed, and guilty, and there seem to be no way out, and not enough time to do everything and please everyone....

I just don't understand what the right thing to do is. I find it so hard to take time for myself, and feel that that is ok, because no one is supporting me in doing it. And even if they were, I'm not sure I'd feel that it was the right thing to do. I'm asking for a deeper understanding...

Today

2009-02-10T12:20:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to relax and just be, and warm myself with some tea. There's been so much going on lately that I feel rather overwhelmed. 8 hours of sleep isn't enough right now, I always want to stay in bed and just watch myself fall deeper into sleep, feel my body recharging. But there is no time for that. Today at least I managed not to rush around and scare the cat. She's lying in her chair right now, looking peaceful. She is a very sensitive cat. If I'm grumpy she tends get more jumpy. Poor kitty. I think she's like me. She needs her space, but also hugs and a warm safe environment.

Hidden beliefs

2009-02-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

I feel I have a lot of hidden beliefs. I feel I have to do the right thing, and push myself to "be a good girl" no matter what, or else somehow I will be punished. This belief makes it very hard for me to relax. Even when I'm at home I can't fully relax. I feel like I have to do so many things, and I don't know where to start, and I feel very tired.

I can't remember when I first started carrying the world upon my shoulders. Was it after my mom, sister and dad got sick and died? I kind of feel it was before that, and the pressure has slowly been building. I think I'm proud. I feel I have to be proud and strong and manage everything. And I'm so afraid of making mistakes.

I feel there is a terrible pain burried deep inside me. An angry, bitter, even hateful pain. A pain of feeling stepped on for so long, of not being useful, and of being alone. A pain that doesn't know how to let go, to relax and feel safe.

I didn't go...

2009-02-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

I did the unthinkable today. I stayed home from school because of PMS. I feel really guilty now, and I guess I'll look into why I feel so bad and fearful about it. Right now I just want to take care of myself. I'm feeling grumpy and overwhelmed.

Period and sensitivity

2009-02-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling very tired, and in need of warm comfort. I just used the last of my lavender to make my "hug in a cup" tea. That helped. My period is due tomorrow. I wonder if that is effecting how I feel now. I notice that during my period I feel more sensitive, more in touch with the energies of the world around me. It's beautiful, and it feels like a very magical time. During that time I also want to spend more time nurturing myself, and being kind and loving towards myself. However, I find it very difficult to do that. There's always things that are being asked of me, and things that I just feel I should do, even if no one directly asks it of me. Right now I feel exhausted thinking about the days ahead. I wish I could follow my heart without doubt and guilt.

To remember

2009-01-30T22:13:00.000-08:00

I want to be more simple. I want to be simple in the way I act, and in the way I feel. I want to let go of all my thoughts and worries, and put it to my divine mother, and my father in heaven. I want to feel beauty deeply.

I've been bringing The Flight of The Feathered Serpent with me to read on the bus and train on my way to school. It gives me a lot of strength. It's truly an amazing book. I don't understand half of what the author is talking about, but my heart drinks it all in. As I'm reading I get a feeling of remembering something eternal, something that my soul remembers but not my mind, because it's not from this lifetime. I want to cry deep inside myself. It's beautiful. I wish I could remember that something, that I understand in my heart, but that I can't put into thoughts or words...

2009-01-22T09:57:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to get up early, like just before sunrise, when everything feels quiet and magical, but instead I sleep until 9:30. It's not like I need that much sleep. I wake up much earlier than that, but I always decide to stay in bed. Maybe tomorrow will be different..

My cat jumped into bed with me in the early morning, she does that a lot, but normally she doesn't stay. This time however she lied down and purred happily, until my husband rolled around and nearly crushed her! Poor thing. She ran away after that.

I feel I need to find someone to talk to. I feel I'm bottling up too many thoughts and emotions, and it's very draining. It even makes me tremble sometimes when I'm around people. I want to talk about how I feel, but it never feels appropriate to do so, and I also don't know anyone I'd feel totally safe telling everything to. I should find someone professional I think, someone holistic. But who?

Comfort

2009-01-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

Feeling tired, upset in a way. I think I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes I feel so exhausted that I can hardly write anything.

I feel attracted to lavender. It's strange, I used to really not like the smell of lavender, and now I love it. I love the color, the smell, and gentle, soothing taste of lavender. I've been drinking lavender tea with wild-rose honey at least twice a day, and it comforts me. I'm not sure why I need to be comforted. I feel confused, and alone. I want to be someplace beautiful, with flowers and beautiful scents, with tea and song, someplace I feel completely at home. And there will be someone else there, a friend, or a mother, someone that loves me and that can help me understand.

I want to remember

2008-12-25T02:01:00.000-08:00

Some feelings just can't be described easily in words, especially feelings of the heart. Today I understood something that I hope I'll never forget, I understood that I need to listen to what I yearn for deep inside my heart, listen to what its trying to tell me.

I need to remember who I am, or rather, who I were and how thats shaped me. I want to remember green hills, a church, celtic music, herbs, long skirts, the magic of the elements.

I sometimes feel shaken to the core of my being, and I cry because it feels so important to remember, thought I don't know what or why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHhnYqGTuPA&feature=related

Scattered

2008-12-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

I just went for a long walk. I love that it's so nice and quiet where we live now, and beautiful! The trees are coated in red and gold, and the grass is green.

It was good to walk and reflect. I feel a little sad now that its getting close to Christmas. I think I miss Norway some, and I especially miss my family and friends. I miss how I used to feel on December 23, full of hope and joy and with butterflies in my stomach.

I worked on going deep inside myself, to see what was really happening. I picked some chickweed and walked back.

Highly sensetive?

2008-09-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

I spoke with a wonderful lady yesterday, about being in nature, and I explained how I could feel the energy of the trees and plants around me. I felt confused when she said she couldn't feel that. I'm wondering how many people can? Is it normal? I haven't met anyone who can, though I haven't told that many, and I've read about people speaking with plants. So I don't seem to be totally alone.

Again I'm wondering if I'm a "highly sensetive person". If I am, then maybe that would explain some things for me. Maybe it would help me understand why I react to things other people have no problem with. Help me understand the mystery that is me.

Tired

2008-09-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

I feel really exhausted. Yesterday was a long day. It started off good, I went to the center, I talked to people, ate some food from the cafe, and I felt centered. I observed myself internally and noticed the fear of not being able to talk to people well, of not having anything to say, a worry about what people will think of me, and of doing something wrong. I prayed for help, and I felt connected to my divine mother. I wanted to be able to learn about myself from the emotional pain I felt.

But my day got rougher. At the end of the day we had a very long discussion about some important issues that had come up, and I didn't say a word for the whole time. It wasn't that I didn't want to contribute to the discussion, because I really did, but I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to speak up. I have this knot in my stomach, and it makes me so scared to say anything, and when I do try to say something, my voice feels feeble and weak. I just feel horrible. At the end of the discussion someone made a comment on me not saying anything for that whole discussion, and I just felt my heart drop. The comment wasn't meant to be mean, but I felt hurt anyway. I was hoping it didn't matter much that I don't talk, that perhaps I will learn to speak up in time, but now I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me. Everyone else doesn't seem to have a problem talking. It's just me. I have no self confidence. Whatever I say feels stupid, and at the center I don't feel safe saying stupid things.

And after that my husband decided he wanted to invite everyone to go out and eat with us, without asking me if it was ok, until after he had asked everyone if they wanted to come. I was put in an embaressing position where I felt tired and wanted to be alone, but everyone was looking at me, expecting an answer, and I just couldn't say no. I thought it would be an oppertunity anyway, to learn more about myself. Which I sure did.

We went to an indian resturant, and everyone was talking and laughing. I talked some too, to a friend of mine sitting next to me. But I felt really weird, scattered and upset with myself. It was really hard to feel centered. I had lost faith in my ability to be aware and connected with my divine mother. Right then I couldn't feel her at all. I felt very alone. I wanted so badly to be free of my anxiety and talk with everyone without feeling tense and worried. I felt so stupid and small for not being able to do that. And it felt like everyone was judging me, because I was judging myself.

The energy of everyone around the table actually felt scatted, which is somewhat unusual. These people usually work on being gathered and aware, but now everyones energy felt like a mess to me. I felt very uncomfortable. I was glad when we had to leave.

When we drove home at night I noticed that the moon was full. I wonder if it was effecting everyone in a subtle way, making us act weird. I love the moon. But the moonlight doesn't feel good to me.

So today I'm trying to come back to myself, get back in touch with magic and awareness.

A walk in the park

2008-09-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

I went to the park today, around 8am. The weather was cool, and it felt like fall had finally come. I walked among the trees, touching some of them, feeling their strength seeping into me, as well as silent teachings about how to be strong, and humble.

When in nature I feel myself sinking back into myself. I feel like crying, and I feel comforted by the trees, the sky, and the earth. I feel magical, and it's like I'm beginning to reconnect with and old me, perhaps from a past life, when I was an old wise woman. I must have lived between green hills, somewhere windy, because I love the wind, and I must have worked with herbs.

I think I found mugwort in the park, but I'm not sure. It's strange. This plant had a special place in my heart the moment I heard its name.

I also picked some peppermint. Here's a picture of some fresh peppermint tea, though I must say it tastes stronger when dried.

Tonight

2008-09-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today, finally, the weather cooled down a bit. Tonight I can enjoy a cup of hot nettle and peppermint infusion, without feeling too hot myself.

I feel good right now. I got the boy to bring his laptop into the kitchen and sit with me, it's nice listening to him type, and feel him here, even though we don't talk much, mostly we just smile at each other.

Just...stuff

2008-08-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm very tired now. I'm tired of activity, and the overwhelming flow of thoughts and emotions that comes over me when there's a lot of people around. I want to be alone. In the dark. I wish it wasn't so hot, I wish I could hide away in here with the wind howling, and the rain pouring down outside. I wish the sky was more alive, and not always an endless blue.

I wish I didn't worry so much about what people think. I think that's the reason why I get so tired. But sometimes I wonder if perhaps I am more sensetive to whats happening around me. I read people all the time, I look at them and I sense what they're feeling towards me, or I just see that they are tired, or frustrated, etc.

I just came home from the farmers market. I try to go there every Saturday, because I love the food there, and the treasures I find. Today's greatest treasures was home made smoked cheddar cheese, and warm sun-riped tomatoes. Yum! Anyway, I just felt very timid and stressed there. Not sure why, I just felt like there was so much going on that I couldn't focus. I couldn't be aware, though I tried half-heartedly.

Maybe I was feeling tired after spending the night away from home, and feeling somewhat unsafe where I was. I wanted to leave, but couldn't until very early in the morning, around 6am. Then at least I got to walk through the streets, and through the park in utter stillness. It was surreal. The city felt abandoned. There was no one there, except one or two people walking. Usually the place feels rushed, loud, dirty. I love the cool mornings. I wish I could get up that early every day, to greet the dawn, and the magical stillness that comes with it. Mornings, along with late evenings, is a time of reflection for me, when I fall deeper into myself.

Yesterday I went to the park. I picked blackberries, lemon balm, and what I think was elder flowers and some sort of mint. I took of my shoes and lied down on the ground, in the cool shade of a tree. I looked up into its crown of leaves, watched them sway gentle in the breeze. I felt the stress starting to leave me, I felt rejuvinated, and I prayed for help and understanding. I felt like crying. I wanted to stay there and hug the earth, feel her strength go through the soles of my feet and into my body. When I left that day, I touched the tree and I felt I got some sort of teaching from it, perhaps on how to be centered, and still within. I need to visit the park more. My heart and spirit needs it.

Something happened today

2008-08-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write, but I feel I need to write something to mark what happened today, even though I can clearly speak of it. "A window of opportunity" was given to me, to face my fears and perhaps change, become a better and freer person. I suppose this is what I've been praying for, but I guess I secretly wanted all my troubles to just magically disappear. Instead I have to find some courage deep within myself and trust in the divine. I cried so much today. I felt so torn, so scared. I listened to my heart, and I hope I made the right choice.

What I miss

2008-08-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

I miss what was. I miss my dad, my mom, my sister. I miss our cosy house, our beautiful garden, the green grass, the little stream and the blanket of white flowers in spring. I miss lying in my warm bed, listening to the rain falling outside, and I miss my mom coming into my room and opening one of the closets to put away folded clean sheets. I miss the sound of the closet-door opening. It felt so safe. And I miss seeing my sister in her bed across the hallway, that too felt safe.

I miss fresh strawberries from the garden. I miss days alone with my mom, when my sister was at school, and my dad was working. Those days were special. And I miss Christmas, and my mom making cookies, and I miss her making fresh bread on random days, and me getting to eat warm bread from the oven, with melting brown cheese. I miss those days spent in the cabin in the mountains, when everyone was inside together, talking, my mom doing some needle work, my dad telling stories. I miss that I would get really hungry from long walks and the cold, and that the food tasted extra good, and that everything felt extra cosy and quiet with lit candles.

There's so much to miss.

I didn't think I missed it all so much. I haven't allowed myself to feel it. I have to move on, after all. It's been several years, and it's all in the past.

In my dreams I go back there, to our house, our cabin. I can feel how much I miss it, how torn I feel. Even when I'm conscious in the astral, I find myself back there. It seems whatever teachings I get, most often take place there. I think I feel safe there, and yet sometimes a creepy feeling comes over me, a feeling of it not being ok, that something is horrible wrong and that it will never be ok, ever again.

I don't believe that. Not in my head anyway. Things are ok now, I think. I have a husband that I love, and I'm starting to find myself, and find my passion in herbs and the spiritual, everything sacred. And yet I feel alone. So very alone, and the only one I can truly talk to is my divine mother. She understands, she is close to me, divine and beautiful. It's hard for me to talk to someone who might not understand, or who might step on my pain? I'm not sure how to say it. But sometimes I feel too volnurable to share these things, even with my husband. I can't find the words, and I don't think he would understand. Who would?

I feel I'm seeking someone to talk to, someone who can guide me, help me to reconnect with myself, and with my longing to be in nature, touch the earth with my bare feet and "let go" of my burdens. I yearn for more magic.

My divine mother is helping me, and I sense I need to value that help even more, and seek her out more. For some reason I feel her even stronger when I express myself through writing, perhaps I'm just drawing closer to myself..

Going back

2008-07-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to California tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it, and yet I'm not. It will be good to be back in my own apatment, but I'm afraid I'll feel trapped again, staying there, and worrying about "not doing enough". But I hope I can find the strength to be more active, study herbs, maybe even learn to make soap. I hope I can get up early in the morning, and enjoy that magical time. I want to find peace in what I do and don't do.

2008-06-09T21:41:00.001-07:00

Herbal Chai

2008-06-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

I'm making herbal chai, from scratch. The house smells wonderful! Spicy and cinnamony. Yum.

What I want

2008-05-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

I think I know what I really want. I want to study herbs. I want to be in touch with nature, the earth, flowers, trees. I want to be in a sense of beauty, and understand myself and life. I want to embrace the femenine, and understand that it's magical and beautiful to be a woman.

For so long I've denied myself what I truly want and need. I thought it wasn't good enough. I thought I have to be tough, and become a successfull working woman, and earn a lot of money and never have time for anything. This belief has made me very anxious. I just want to follow my calling.

About me

2008-05-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

I hope I can learn to express myself again, here, in this new blog I've created for myself. I used to not be afraid of writing about everything that was going on in my life, and of what was going on inside me, but that has changed since I started seeking out a more spiritual life. I don't want to worry about what people think anymore.

I'm trying to remember who I am. Ever since I was very little I would get a sense of there being something I needed to remember, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't remember what that something told me I needed to remember. As I grew older that feeling would come up a lot less, though I would sometimes feel anxious, and I wished there was something more to life, something magical.

After my dad passed away, I was determined to visist him wherever he was, and I began exploring astral projection. I left my body several times and I was amazed, because in the astral anything was possible, and everything was magic, and I realized that life didn't need to be dull and gray.

So now I feel restless again, restless to remember who I really am, where I come from, why I'm here, what life is all about. I want to know. I want to understand. What happens after death? Where do we go? Does unicorns truly exist?

2007-09-25T16:42:00.000-07:00