Author: WhiteWitch
I don't know who I am. I feel tired and empty. I don't want to feel this way because I keep thinking I should be over everything that has happened, that I should be fine and that I shouldn't complain. I know I have everything. I don't want to bother people with how I feel. Most of the time I don't even know how I feel. I just know there's a deep emptieness that I don't know how to talk about. My friends talk to me about what is going on with them, and I'm so grateful for that, I'm so grateful that I'm able to listen and help because it help me so much in return. It makes me feel like I matter again. But I'm not able to talk about what's going on deep inside me. It feels too bad. Perhaps I'm too proud. Too afraid.

I just don't know who I am. Where I stand. I lost my family, my identity with them. I lost the home where I grew up, though I keep finding myself back there in my dreams. I moved from the country I grew up in to start a new life in the US. It's wonderful here. I have my best friend as my husband, and so many amazing people and teachers around me. It's just that I don't feel like I'm resting. I always feel uptight, nervous and stressed. I don't know where to go to rest. I watch silly movies and series on youtube to zone out or something, but it doesn't help and I'm not really interested in it.

I don't know what I want. I feel so naked and bare. I just go through my day doing things, doing my tasks, trying to be in the moment and so on. And yet I feel like a zombie. I'm just doing things without any passion behind it. I wish I knew how to rest.

I think I am angry. At some level I'm very angry. I think it's because I feel there's something wrong with me. I think I've been feeling that for a long long time. I feel like a bad person and that I'm always failing.

I just feel tired. So tired somehow. It's like I have no real interesting in things. All I want is to find some way to rest and find comfort and understanding. That's what I need I think. It's just so hard to allow myself to seek that. I keep feeling I need to be strong and fight. Fighting does no good sometimes. I think I need to heal, though it's taking forever. I suppose I've never really allowed the process to take place. Guilt is always in the way. I feel guilty for looking within to see what I need.

So what do I need?

Time? I feel I need time to recover, time to find back to myself and joy of life. Right now I'm feeling very negative towards the world and the divine. I don't want that. I often feel that I'm being pushed to do things I don't want to do. I'm always fighting it. But maybe I'm the one doing the pushing. I remember now, different feelings that come up that push me to do things I don't really want, and dreams, symbols that are telling me beautiful things. Beautiful in the sense that it touches the core of me. My heart. I just haven't been listening. I've been feeling that I am evil and that whoever is giving me these teachings don't really care about me, and that they want something of me. I don't want anyone to want anything of me. I don't want to have to perform and do well and be a good girl when I don't really want to, and I don't really think I can do it anyway.

Long post, but it helped me a lot. How do I make an entry private?
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2 kommentarer:

On 12. november 2009 kl. 11:20 , Marion sa...

I've followed you for awhile now; your writing is deep, beautiful and very evocative. You make me question myself...I have many of the same emotions, fears and doubts you have from time to time.

On 13. november 2009 kl. 06:25 , Nicole sa...

Dear WhiteWitch:

I truly connected with what you had to say in this post. This is the first time I've read your blog, and so I know nothing about you. What I do know is this: I've been through a similar "phase" of healing (just last year). I know how it feels to be helpless, like you want to let go, as though nothing can ease the pain or make you feel better. My advice to you is to keep doing what you're doing. Don't focus on a particular goal - just focus on Progress. Have low expectations of yourself ... be gentle with yourself.

When I started to come out of this difficult time, I experienced a huge transformation. It is not easy. It does not feel right ... but Be Strong. You can do this. You can get through it.

Blessed Be ~ Your sister, Nicole