Author: WhiteWitch
•20:31
I stayed home tonight. My husband went out, but I was feeling tired and secretly longed to just rest and reflect. I wish I could do what I deeply feel I need without guilt coming up.

I lied on the bed and read some of Anne of Green Gables. I know it's a classic, and a children book, but I've never read it before and it gives me much joy now. I just feel so tired somehow, and slightly sick. I think I'm tired of worrying about everything. At least, when I'm alone in the evenings I feel her presence and guidance with a lot more strength. I can feel her in my heart. It's the only place I want to be. I just want to stay with her and cry.

I want my life back. I don't want to be controlled by my fears anymore. I'm fighting to be free. Last night I told myself I would remember my dreams, and I did, at least most of them. I had a nightmare of sorts, I think the same kind that I used to have as a small girl, but this time I fought it, whatever it was that was attacking me. And I also had a very symbolic dream, but I only remember parts of it.

This afternoon I astral projected while I took a nap. It's been so long since I've had an astal experience. I feel sometimes that I've given up on them., though I'm not sure why. Perhaps I feel nothing will come out of them, or perhaps I'm subconsciously afraid of the same thing that comes in my nightmares might appear there. I think I often shoot myself in the foot. I feel I have failed even before I have properly tried something. Anyway, I projected, flew around in the apartment and woke back up. It wasn't a very good projection, but at least I got out. I always feel more magical after that :)
Author: WhiteWitch
•22:45
I haven't managed to update my blog as frequent as I wanted to. I'm not exactly sure why I find it so hard to express myself. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I've been feeling like that for a week now. Well, it actually started several years ago when I realized I had a huge knot in my stomach and that my chest felt very tight. It was all pent up emotions. I've been digging into them ever since I started on the quest of self knowledge, but it can be very painful.

I've been wanting to bring more magic into my life. I hope I can get up early to enjoy the mystical feel of the morning, but lately I've just been wanting to stay in bed.

In truth I feel terribly alone. I'm having such trouble expressing myself and talking to people. I sometimes feel like a ghost. I worry. I worry that I'll be rejected, and so I get afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Going to bed soon. Getting tired. I hope I can see whats at the core of my anxiety.