Author: WhiteWitch
•12:30
I went for a long walk today to pick California Poppy. It's a really beautiful plant. It's growing all over, and I'm wondering if it's trying to tell me something. It looks like fire to me. Maybe I need some fire in my life. I think I need fire in my heart. I feel cold inside. I've dried some California Poppy to try as tea, and I've read how bad it tastes but the tea I made was a little weak and I ended up not minding the taste at all.

Yesterday I drank my first cup of California Poppy tea, and I'm drinking my second cup right now. It feels like it opens up my heart a little. I don't know. I need to spend more time with it before I know for sure how it effects me. It also seems to ease my anxiety. I've been feeling terrible anxious lately. Yesterday and today has been very trying for me. I notice more and more how alone and unsafe I feel, and how angry I feel at life. The anger surprised me. I think I've been bottling it up deep inside me, and I've closed myself to life and the hurts it brings. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere right now. I need to change my attitude of life being out to get me. I think I don't trust it at all, perhaps because of what I went through when my parents and sister died.

Anyway, I sense that California Poppy can help me. I think it can help me open up and allow myself to feel things again.
Author: WhiteWitch
•01:00
I just took the longest, most lovely bath I've had in ages. I've been sick with the flu for a few days, but this evening I was feeling much better and decided to celebrate with a bath. I put some oats and rose petals in a cheesecloth and rubbed myself all over until I felt beautifully slimy. My skin is so soft right now.

I came out of that bath a different person. Lying in the tub I had quite a few realizations as water worked its healing effect on me and helped me relax and sink deeper into myself. I saw myself as a young child, and I remember how scared I was of being left alone, and of my parents abandoning me. I think that at some level I knew I would lose them, or at least, I knew that something horrible was going to happen. But I recognize the same fear in me still. I'm still afraid of being alone, of there being no one there that will make everything Ok. I'm so afraid that everything won't be Ok...

I'm once more reminded that I have to take care of myself and heal myself . It's not such a bad thing to be good to myself. I don't have to be strong. I don't have to be tough.
Author: WhiteWitch
•01:18
I think I have to accept that I feel depressed. It's not an overpowering depression that I felt some time after my dad passed away; it's more of a dark feeling that sits in my stomach throughout the day. I'm not sure why it's there, or where it came from. I'm trying to see it for what it is, to see what I'm afraid of, and what worries feed that fear. I'm afraid of so many things. I'm especially afraid of the unknown, and I fear I won't be able to do things. I've decided to finally try to learn to drive, which terrifies me. But if I could drive, I'd be so much freer. It's just that I feel sick thinking about doing it, and especially getting on the freeway, which is an unusual and scary thing for me coming from Norway, where we don't have many of those.

Anyway, I think my depression has a lot to do with my worries and fears.

The knot in my stomach used to be a lot bigger though. I started noticing it back in highschool. I remember my chest feeling very heavy, as though I couldn't breathe properly, even though I could breathe just fine. As I became more interested in spirituality, and also tuned more into my body, I could see this heavyness clearer, and how big it was. It was a huge knot of something bad, some deep negative emotions covering my solar plexus and heart area. I've been working on these emotions for a few years, and they're slowly clearing as I dig deeper. It's like I'm digging my way back into my body. It's like I left it for a while. Does that make sense? I think losing my family was such a shock that I just left my body. Hmm. When I decided to return I found all this unresolved anger, sorrow etc, all bottled up inside me.

I hope to keep writing here to get some order and better understanding of my thoughts and feelings.