Author: WhiteWitch
•17:45
I have paint in my hair...

I gathered up the courage today to go to the centre to help paint the outside wall. I was feeling a little anxious because I knew it would be just be me and "the boys" there for several hours. I honestly don't know how to relax and be myself unless I'm with people I know I can share deep meaningful conversations with. Isn't that weird? I'm so bad at smalltalks, but I love talking about the deep cries out of the soul...
So of course, I felt shy today and didn't talk much, and I tried to not let it bother me. I've been wanting to see what hurts inside me when I feel left out somehow. I want to find peace wherever I am, and not worry about what other people thinks. Besides, I enjoy being at the centre, the energy there is lovely, and painting the wall was a very quiet and relaxed task. I liked it because it's so simple. I don't like tasks that I don't know how to do. That's right, I rarely like a challange, especially when there's other people there to watch me trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I got my period this morning. I think this made me feel more grumpy than normal. I felt cold, and heavy while painting, and then the horrible, horrible cramps came! I ignored them for a while, until they became unbearable and I had to call my husband to come pick me up. I felt disappointed. I had wanted to stay and help out more. I wanted to investigate my pride while I was stuck with all those boys, and I wanted to continue my painting because it's nice and I know how to do it. Maybe tomorrow there will be no painting left? But I'll go tomorrow as well. Go me! I'm so coragous!

The cramps are gone now. I stayed in bed and moaned my misery for a few hours. And I feel so light! It's such a relief not to be in pain. I notice that I feel a little bad for not being there to help out, again. It's my famous guilt coming up again. I really want to understand it and be free of it.

Now I'll enjoy some sweet, sweet strawberries.
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