Author: WhiteWitch
•17:45
I have paint in my hair...

I gathered up the courage today to go to the centre to help paint the outside wall. I was feeling a little anxious because I knew it would be just be me and "the boys" there for several hours. I honestly don't know how to relax and be myself unless I'm with people I know I can share deep meaningful conversations with. Isn't that weird? I'm so bad at smalltalks, but I love talking about the deep cries out of the soul...
So of course, I felt shy today and didn't talk much, and I tried to not let it bother me. I've been wanting to see what hurts inside me when I feel left out somehow. I want to find peace wherever I am, and not worry about what other people thinks. Besides, I enjoy being at the centre, the energy there is lovely, and painting the wall was a very quiet and relaxed task. I liked it because it's so simple. I don't like tasks that I don't know how to do. That's right, I rarely like a challange, especially when there's other people there to watch me trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I got my period this morning. I think this made me feel more grumpy than normal. I felt cold, and heavy while painting, and then the horrible, horrible cramps came! I ignored them for a while, until they became unbearable and I had to call my husband to come pick me up. I felt disappointed. I had wanted to stay and help out more. I wanted to investigate my pride while I was stuck with all those boys, and I wanted to continue my painting because it's nice and I know how to do it. Maybe tomorrow there will be no painting left? But I'll go tomorrow as well. Go me! I'm so coragous!

The cramps are gone now. I stayed in bed and moaned my misery for a few hours. And I feel so light! It's such a relief not to be in pain. I notice that I feel a little bad for not being there to help out, again. It's my famous guilt coming up again. I really want to understand it and be free of it.

Now I'll enjoy some sweet, sweet strawberries.
Author: WhiteWitch
•15:27
I've been feeling very anxious lately, more so than normal. I think it started when I returned from Greece, when everything calmed down and I have time to think, to worry. I've been trying to understand why I feel so unsafe. I think I feel that I don't own my life. I feel that something bad is going to happen, and I have to try my best to be a good girl so it doesn't happen. I don't trust that everything will be ok, even though, deep down I feel looked after in everything.

I actually had a lovely time on Sunday. I went to the gnostic centre that I attend regularely, and it was nice talking with everyone again. In the beginning I felt very down. I wanted to run into the bathroom and cry. It has been long since I've felt that, and it puzzled me. This time I actually reached out to someone, and shared how I felt. That spark of courage helped me a lot. The rest of the day I spent painting a wall at the centre, and also eating out with friends. I worked on feeling the moment, to be in my body, forget about myself and just be. Someone once told me that all we have is this moment. That's true. There's nothing bad in this moment, right here, right now. The moment is wonderfully liberating. All my problem are in the past or in the future. Right now everything just is. If I can stay in the moment I can experience life.
Author: WhiteWitch
•19:16
My husband and I recently returned from a trip to Greece. It was a good trip, though it was also very challenging for me. We we're going on a retreat for a few days, and I again found it hard to fit in among people. I freeze up and don't know what to say. I'm terrible at smalltalk. I felt very insecure and alone for a lot of the time, even though people were very kind, very friendly.

The most interesting and challenging part of the retreat was an 8 hour walk on Mount Olympus. I actually really enjoyed the trip. I felt I had a lot of strength inside me that I wanted to express by climbing up and down the mountain. I got very tired but I kept going. I went deep inside of myself and found a strength that never went away, no matter how exhausted I felt. When I focused on this strength I could keep on walking. I also worked on being in the moment. It was an amazing place to just be. It was so beautiful! I could feel the power of the snow covered mountains vibrating in the air around me. The view was spectacular. I also enjoyed touching many of the trees we walked by, and feel their strength against the palm of my hand. Can anyone else sense this? Sense the essence of the tree when you touch them? I'm not sure if it makes sense. But it sometimes feels as though they're silently speaking to me..

I felt like a warrior climbing up that mountain. I felt strong! I realized how sad it made me that I usually feel weak in every day life. Full of insecurity and guilt.

On our way home, I was surprised to see that I wasn't looking forward to returning to California. I mean, I don't think California itself was the problem, it's a beautiful place to live. -I just felt depressed. I realised that I feel confused about who I am, and that I no longer truly feel home anywhere. I've lost my roots. In a way it felt good to find that within myself. Now maybe I can understand it and let it go.
Author: WhiteWitch
•21:56
I went to the farmer's market today. I had decided beforehand not to buy flowers this time, because my husband and I are leaving for Greece on Tuesday. However, I couldn't resist buying a bouquet of lilacs. I think lilacs must be one of my favorite flowers. I absolutely adore the scent. Standing in the farmer's market, I breathed in their scent for the first time in two years, and I was instantly carried back to warm summer days back at my childhood home. We had a small lilac bush there, and I remember I loved it even as a child. I feel very connected to lilacs. They remind me of home, and I think also of my mom....though I'm not sure why that is.

I also listened to the Belzebuub talk today. He spoke about being in the moment. He said it was beautiful to be there, and that we are outside time when we're in the moment. In the moment is when we are alive.

I feel that is true. When I manage to be aware and in the moment, it's like something stirs inside of me, something ancient, a distant memory of something else, something very important. I like to listen to beautiful music. Music that touches my soul. I'm listening to Allegri Miserere right now, and it's as though the song reminds my soul of some distant place it longs to return to. I feel like crying sometimes, but it's a different kind of crying, because it comes from a yearning for something so strange and beautiful that I don't even understand it. I don't even trust that it truly exists.

I remember standing in the middle of the living room floor when I was little. I remember feeling confused. It just felt so strange to be there. I wondered how I had ended up on earth, in this life, and where I had been before I started living. It felt like I should be able to remember, but I just couldn't.
Author: WhiteWitch
•11:27
Sometimes I feel so sad, and I don't even know why. I've been having dreams, the same kind again and again. And in that dream I feel so alone, and so left out. I don't belong, but I'm unsure if I should stay or not. Last night I also started flying in my dream. It's the most wonderful feeling to be able to fly! Everything is much more beautiful in the astral (dreamworld). The beauty hits me and moves me deeply.