Author: WhiteWitch
Some feelings just can't be described easily in words, especially feelings of the heart. Today I understood something that I hope I'll never forget, I understood that I need to listen to what I yearn for deep inside my heart, listen to what its trying to tell me.

I need to remember who I am, or rather, who I were and how thats shaped me. I want to remember green hills, a church, celtic music, herbs, long skirts, the magic of the elements.

I sometimes feel shaken to the core of my being, and I cry because it feels so important to remember, thought I don't know what or why.
Author: WhiteWitch
I just went for a long walk. I love that it's so nice and quiet where we live now, and beautiful! The trees are coated in red and gold, and the grass is green.

It was good to walk and reflect. I feel a little sad now that its getting close to Christmas. I think I miss Norway some, and I especially miss my family and friends. I miss how I used to feel on December 23, full of hope and joy and with butterflies in my stomach.

I worked on going deep inside myself, to see what was really happening. I picked some chickweed and walked back.
Author: WhiteWitch
I spoke with a wonderful lady yesterday, about being in nature, and I explained how I could feel the energy of the trees and plants around me. I felt confused when she said she couldn't feel that. I'm wondering how many people can? Is it normal? I haven't met anyone who can, though I haven't told that many, and I've read about people speaking with plants. So I don't seem to be totally alone.

Again I'm wondering if I'm a "highly sensetive person". If I am, then maybe that would explain some things for me. Maybe it would help me understand why I react to things other people have no problem with. Help me understand the mystery that is me.
Author: WhiteWitch
I feel really exhausted. Yesterday was a long day. It started off good, I went to the center, I talked to people, ate some food from the cafe, and I felt centered. I observed myself internally and noticed the fear of not being able to talk to people well, of not having anything to say, a worry about what people will think of me, and of doing something wrong. I prayed for help, and I felt connected to my divine mother. I wanted to be able to learn about myself from the emotional pain I felt.

But my day got rougher. At the end of the day we had a very long discussion about some important issues that had come up, and I didn't say a word for the whole time. It wasn't that I didn't want to contribute to the discussion, because I really did, but I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to speak up. I have this knot in my stomach, and it makes me so scared to say anything, and when I do try to say something, my voice feels feeble and weak. I just feel horrible. At the end of the discussion someone made a comment on me not saying anything for that whole discussion, and I just felt my heart drop. The comment wasn't meant to be mean, but I felt hurt anyway. I was hoping it didn't matter much that I don't talk, that perhaps I will learn to speak up in time, but now I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me. Everyone else doesn't seem to have a problem talking. It's just me. I have no self confidence. Whatever I say feels stupid, and at the center I don't feel safe saying stupid things.

And after that my husband decided he wanted to invite everyone to go out and eat with us, without asking me if it was ok, until after he had asked everyone if they wanted to come. I was put in an embaressing position where I felt tired and wanted to be alone, but everyone was looking at me, expecting an answer, and I just couldn't say no. I thought it would be an oppertunity anyway, to learn more about myself. Which I sure did.

We went to an indian resturant, and everyone was talking and laughing. I talked some too, to a friend of mine sitting next to me. But I felt really weird, scattered and upset with myself. It was really hard to feel centered. I had lost faith in my ability to be aware and connected with my divine mother. Right then I couldn't feel her at all. I felt very alone. I wanted so badly to be free of my anxiety and talk with everyone without feeling tense and worried. I felt so stupid and small for not being able to do that. And it felt like everyone was judging me, because I was judging myself.

The energy of everyone around the table actually felt scatted, which is somewhat unusual. These people usually work on being gathered and aware, but now everyones energy felt like a mess to me. I felt very uncomfortable. I was glad when we had to leave.

When we drove home at night I noticed that the moon was full. I wonder if it was effecting everyone in a subtle way, making us act weird. I love the moon. But the moonlight doesn't feel good to me.

So today I'm trying to come back to myself, get back in touch with magic and awareness.
Author: WhiteWitch
I went to the park today, around 8am. The weather was cool, and it felt like fall had finally come. I walked among the trees, touching some of them, feeling their strength seeping into me, as well as silent teachings about how to be strong, and humble.

When in nature I feel myself sinking back into myself. I feel like crying, and I feel comforted by the trees, the sky, and the earth. I feel magical, and it's like I'm beginning to reconnect with and old me, perhaps from a past life, when I was an old wise woman. I must have lived between green hills, somewhere windy, because I love the wind, and I must have worked with herbs.

I think I found mugwort in the park, but I'm not sure. It's strange. This plant had a special place in my heart the moment I heard its name.

I also picked some peppermint. Here's a picture of some fresh peppermint tea, though I must say it tastes stronger when dried.

Author: WhiteWitch
Today, finally, the weather cooled down a bit. Tonight I can enjoy a cup of hot nettle and peppermint infusion, without feeling too hot myself.

I feel good right now. I got the boy to bring his laptop into the kitchen and sit with me, it's nice listening to him type, and feel him here, even though we don't talk much, mostly we just smile at each other.
Author: WhiteWitch
I'm very tired now. I'm tired of activity, and the overwhelming flow of thoughts and emotions that comes over me when there's a lot of people around. I want to be alone. In the dark. I wish it wasn't so hot, I wish I could hide away in here with the wind howling, and the rain pouring down outside. I wish the sky was more alive, and not always an endless blue.

I wish I didn't worry so much about what people think. I think that's the reason why I get so tired. But sometimes I wonder if perhaps I am more sensetive to whats happening around me. I read people all the time, I look at them and I sense what they're feeling towards me, or I just see that they are tired, or frustrated, etc.

I just came home from the farmers market. I try to go there every Saturday, because I love the food there, and the treasures I find. Today's greatest treasures was home made smoked cheddar cheese, and warm sun-riped tomatoes. Yum! Anyway, I just felt very timid and stressed there. Not sure why, I just felt like there was so much going on that I couldn't focus. I couldn't be aware, though I tried half-heartedly.

Maybe I was feeling tired after spending the night away from home, and feeling somewhat unsafe where I was. I wanted to leave, but couldn't until very early in the morning, around 6am. Then at least I got to walk through the streets, and through the park in utter stillness. It was surreal. The city felt abandoned. There was no one there, except one or two people walking. Usually the place feels rushed, loud, dirty. I love the cool mornings. I wish I could get up that early every day, to greet the dawn, and the magical stillness that comes with it. Mornings, along with late evenings, is a time of reflection for me, when I fall deeper into myself.

Yesterday I went to the park. I picked blackberries, lemon balm, and what I think was elder flowers and some sort of mint. I took of my shoes and lied down on the ground, in the cool shade of a tree. I looked up into its crown of leaves, watched them sway gentle in the breeze. I felt the stress starting to leave me, I felt rejuvinated, and I prayed for help and understanding. I felt like crying. I wanted to stay there and hug the earth, feel her strength go through the soles of my feet and into my body. When I left that day, I touched the tree and I felt I got some sort of teaching from it, perhaps on how to be centered, and still within. I need to visit the park more. My heart and spirit needs it.
Author: WhiteWitch
I don't know what to write, but I feel I need to write something to mark what happened today, even though I can clearly speak of it. "A window of opportunity" was given to me, to face my fears and perhaps change, become a better and freer person. I suppose this is what I've been praying for, but I guess I secretly wanted all my troubles to just magically disappear. Instead I have to find some courage deep within myself and trust in the divine. I cried so much today. I felt so torn, so scared. I listened to my heart, and I hope I made the right choice.
Author: WhiteWitch
I miss what was. I miss my dad, my mom, my sister. I miss our cosy house, our beautiful garden, the green grass, the little stream and the blanket of white flowers in spring. I miss lying in my warm bed, listening to the rain falling outside, and I miss my mom coming into my room and opening one of the closets to put away folded clean sheets. I miss the sound of the closet-door opening. It felt so safe. And I miss seeing my sister in her bed across the hallway, that too felt safe.

I miss fresh strawberries from the garden. I miss days alone with my mom, when my sister was at school, and my dad was working. Those days were special. And I miss Christmas, and my mom making cookies, and I miss her making fresh bread on random days, and me getting to eat warm bread from the oven, with melting brown cheese. I miss those days spent in the cabin in the mountains, when everyone was inside together, talking, my mom doing some needle work, my dad telling stories. I miss that I would get really hungry from long walks and the cold, and that the food tasted extra good, and that everything felt extra cosy and quiet with lit candles.

There's so much to miss.

I didn't think I missed it all so much. I haven't allowed myself to feel it. I have to move on, after all. It's been several years, and it's all in the past.

In my dreams I go back there, to our house, our cabin. I can feel how much I miss it, how torn I feel. Even when I'm conscious in the astral, I find myself back there. It seems whatever teachings I get, most often take place there. I think I feel safe there, and yet sometimes a creepy feeling comes over me, a feeling of it not being ok, that something is horrible wrong and that it will never be ok, ever again.

I don't believe that. Not in my head anyway. Things are ok now, I think. I have a husband that I love, and I'm starting to find myself, and find my passion in herbs and the spiritual, everything sacred. And yet I feel alone. So very alone, and the only one I can truly talk to is my divine mother. She understands, she is close to me, divine and beautiful. It's hard for me to talk to someone who might not understand, or who might step on my pain? I'm not sure how to say it. But sometimes I feel too volnurable to share these things, even with my husband. I can't find the words, and I don't think he would understand. Who would?

I feel I'm seeking someone to talk to, someone who can guide me, help me to reconnect with myself, and with my longing to be in nature, touch the earth with my bare feet and "let go" of my burdens. I yearn for more magic.

My divine mother is helping me, and I sense I need to value that help even more, and seek her out more. For some reason I feel her even stronger when I express myself through writing, perhaps I'm just drawing closer to myself..
Author: WhiteWitch
I'm going back to California tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it, and yet I'm not. It will be good to be back in my own apatment, but I'm afraid I'll feel trapped again, staying there, and worrying about "not doing enough". But I hope I can find the strength to be more active, study herbs, maybe even learn to make soap. I hope I can get up early in the morning, and enjoy that magical time. I want to find peace in what I do and don't do.
Author: WhiteWitch
Author: WhiteWitch
I'm making herbal chai, from scratch. The house smells wonderful! Spicy and cinnamony. Yum.
Author: WhiteWitch
I think I know what I really want. I want to study herbs. I want to be in touch with nature, the earth, flowers, trees. I want to be in a sense of beauty, and understand myself and life. I want to embrace the femenine, and understand that it's magical and beautiful to be a woman.

For so long I've denied myself what I truly want and need. I thought it wasn't good enough. I thought I have to be tough, and become a successfull working woman, and earn a lot of money and never have time for anything. This belief has made me very anxious. I just want to follow my calling.
Author: WhiteWitch

I hope I can learn to express myself again, here, in this new blog I've created for myself. I used to not be afraid of writing about everything that was going on in my life, and of what was going on inside me, but that has changed since I started seeking out a more spiritual life. I don't want to worry about what people think anymore.

I'm trying to remember who I am. Ever since I was very little I would get a sense of there being something I needed to remember, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't remember what that something told me I needed to remember. As I grew older that feeling would come up a lot less, though I would sometimes feel anxious, and I wished there was something more to life, something magical.

After my dad passed away, I was determined to visist him wherever he was, and I began exploring astral projection. I left my body several times and I was amazed, because in the astral anything was possible, and everything was magic, and I realized that life didn't need to be dull and gray.

So now I feel restless again, restless to remember who I really am, where I come from, why I'm here, what life is all about. I want to know. I want to understand. What happens after death? Where do we go? Does unicorns truly exist?