Author: WhiteWitch
I feel really exhausted. Yesterday was a long day. It started off good, I went to the center, I talked to people, ate some food from the cafe, and I felt centered. I observed myself internally and noticed the fear of not being able to talk to people well, of not having anything to say, a worry about what people will think of me, and of doing something wrong. I prayed for help, and I felt connected to my divine mother. I wanted to be able to learn about myself from the emotional pain I felt.

But my day got rougher. At the end of the day we had a very long discussion about some important issues that had come up, and I didn't say a word for the whole time. It wasn't that I didn't want to contribute to the discussion, because I really did, but I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to speak up. I have this knot in my stomach, and it makes me so scared to say anything, and when I do try to say something, my voice feels feeble and weak. I just feel horrible. At the end of the discussion someone made a comment on me not saying anything for that whole discussion, and I just felt my heart drop. The comment wasn't meant to be mean, but I felt hurt anyway. I was hoping it didn't matter much that I don't talk, that perhaps I will learn to speak up in time, but now I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me. Everyone else doesn't seem to have a problem talking. It's just me. I have no self confidence. Whatever I say feels stupid, and at the center I don't feel safe saying stupid things.

And after that my husband decided he wanted to invite everyone to go out and eat with us, without asking me if it was ok, until after he had asked everyone if they wanted to come. I was put in an embaressing position where I felt tired and wanted to be alone, but everyone was looking at me, expecting an answer, and I just couldn't say no. I thought it would be an oppertunity anyway, to learn more about myself. Which I sure did.

We went to an indian resturant, and everyone was talking and laughing. I talked some too, to a friend of mine sitting next to me. But I felt really weird, scattered and upset with myself. It was really hard to feel centered. I had lost faith in my ability to be aware and connected with my divine mother. Right then I couldn't feel her at all. I felt very alone. I wanted so badly to be free of my anxiety and talk with everyone without feeling tense and worried. I felt so stupid and small for not being able to do that. And it felt like everyone was judging me, because I was judging myself.

The energy of everyone around the table actually felt scatted, which is somewhat unusual. These people usually work on being gathered and aware, but now everyones energy felt like a mess to me. I felt very uncomfortable. I was glad when we had to leave.

When we drove home at night I noticed that the moon was full. I wonder if it was effecting everyone in a subtle way, making us act weird. I love the moon. But the moonlight doesn't feel good to me.

So today I'm trying to come back to myself, get back in touch with magic and awareness.
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