Author: WhiteWitch
•13:17
I'm very tired now. I'm tired of activity, and the overwhelming flow of thoughts and emotions that comes over me when there's a lot of people around. I want to be alone. In the dark. I wish it wasn't so hot, I wish I could hide away in here with the wind howling, and the rain pouring down outside. I wish the sky was more alive, and not always an endless blue.

I wish I didn't worry so much about what people think. I think that's the reason why I get so tired. But sometimes I wonder if perhaps I am more sensetive to whats happening around me. I read people all the time, I look at them and I sense what they're feeling towards me, or I just see that they are tired, or frustrated, etc.

I just came home from the farmers market. I try to go there every Saturday, because I love the food there, and the treasures I find. Today's greatest treasures was home made smoked cheddar cheese, and warm sun-riped tomatoes. Yum! Anyway, I just felt very timid and stressed there. Not sure why, I just felt like there was so much going on that I couldn't focus. I couldn't be aware, though I tried half-heartedly.

Maybe I was feeling tired after spending the night away from home, and feeling somewhat unsafe where I was. I wanted to leave, but couldn't until very early in the morning, around 6am. Then at least I got to walk through the streets, and through the park in utter stillness. It was surreal. The city felt abandoned. There was no one there, except one or two people walking. Usually the place feels rushed, loud, dirty. I love the cool mornings. I wish I could get up that early every day, to greet the dawn, and the magical stillness that comes with it. Mornings, along with late evenings, is a time of reflection for me, when I fall deeper into myself.

Yesterday I went to the park. I picked blackberries, lemon balm, and what I think was elder flowers and some sort of mint. I took of my shoes and lied down on the ground, in the cool shade of a tree. I looked up into its crown of leaves, watched them sway gentle in the breeze. I felt the stress starting to leave me, I felt rejuvinated, and I prayed for help and understanding. I felt like crying. I wanted to stay there and hug the earth, feel her strength go through the soles of my feet and into my body. When I left that day, I touched the tree and I felt I got some sort of teaching from it, perhaps on how to be centered, and still within. I need to visit the park more. My heart and spirit needs it.
Author: WhiteWitch
•19:50
I don't know what to write, but I feel I need to write something to mark what happened today, even though I can clearly speak of it. "A window of opportunity" was given to me, to face my fears and perhaps change, become a better and freer person. I suppose this is what I've been praying for, but I guess I secretly wanted all my troubles to just magically disappear. Instead I have to find some courage deep within myself and trust in the divine. I cried so much today. I felt so torn, so scared. I listened to my heart, and I hope I made the right choice.
Author: WhiteWitch
•21:11
I miss what was. I miss my dad, my mom, my sister. I miss our cosy house, our beautiful garden, the green grass, the little stream and the blanket of white flowers in spring. I miss lying in my warm bed, listening to the rain falling outside, and I miss my mom coming into my room and opening one of the closets to put away folded clean sheets. I miss the sound of the closet-door opening. It felt so safe. And I miss seeing my sister in her bed across the hallway, that too felt safe.

I miss fresh strawberries from the garden. I miss days alone with my mom, when my sister was at school, and my dad was working. Those days were special. And I miss Christmas, and my mom making cookies, and I miss her making fresh bread on random days, and me getting to eat warm bread from the oven, with melting brown cheese. I miss those days spent in the cabin in the mountains, when everyone was inside together, talking, my mom doing some needle work, my dad telling stories. I miss that I would get really hungry from long walks and the cold, and that the food tasted extra good, and that everything felt extra cosy and quiet with lit candles.

There's so much to miss.

I didn't think I missed it all so much. I haven't allowed myself to feel it. I have to move on, after all. It's been several years, and it's all in the past.

In my dreams I go back there, to our house, our cabin. I can feel how much I miss it, how torn I feel. Even when I'm conscious in the astral, I find myself back there. It seems whatever teachings I get, most often take place there. I think I feel safe there, and yet sometimes a creepy feeling comes over me, a feeling of it not being ok, that something is horrible wrong and that it will never be ok, ever again.

I don't believe that. Not in my head anyway. Things are ok now, I think. I have a husband that I love, and I'm starting to find myself, and find my passion in herbs and the spiritual, everything sacred. And yet I feel alone. So very alone, and the only one I can truly talk to is my divine mother. She understands, she is close to me, divine and beautiful. It's hard for me to talk to someone who might not understand, or who might step on my pain? I'm not sure how to say it. But sometimes I feel too volnurable to share these things, even with my husband. I can't find the words, and I don't think he would understand. Who would?

I feel I'm seeking someone to talk to, someone who can guide me, help me to reconnect with myself, and with my longing to be in nature, touch the earth with my bare feet and "let go" of my burdens. I yearn for more magic.

My divine mother is helping me, and I sense I need to value that help even more, and seek her out more. For some reason I feel her even stronger when I express myself through writing, perhaps I'm just drawing closer to myself..